Kids vs. Husband - Who Should Be #1?

http://qz.com/273255/how-american-parenting-is-killing-the-american-marriage/
(Blog inspired by article shared above)

In societies expectations of how life should unfold (love, marriage, career, house, kids) it seems like a no-brainer that your spouse would come first in the love department; they captured your love before your children existed, and helped create those children out of pure love and passion for one another. There's no way you could love your child more than the one who helped bring them into this world, right? But then that baby is born, and an entirely new kind of love overwhelms you. This beautiful tiny being is half of you, and half of the person you love most in this world. No matter what happens in life, this will always be your child. The raw emotion and ultimate power you hold the moment you become a parent is like nothing else you've ever experienced - but is it greater than the love you have for your spouse?

 My life has unfolded in an out-of-order fashion: first child, then love, then marriage, then second child, then career, and still to come: homeowners. In the beginning, my daughter came before everyone, because that true love and passion for anyone else was non existent. It saddened me to face the fact that she was not created out of love, and didn't share DNA with someone I wished to spend my life with. When it became just her and I, we were all each other had. When Eric came into the picture, he was warned that he would always be in second place. I didn't see how any other way would be fair - for her. What I didn't think about was his feelings, his needs, or our love.

But our relationship still grew, leading to marriage and the birth of our beautiful daughter. It wasn't until this moment where I came close to considering putting my husband before my children. For the first time, I experienced that amazing feeling of "wow, we made her", and just how incredible it felt to know she was half his; this man who I feel so strongly and passionately about. The day Hannah was born, at that moment, I had never loved my husband more.

Even though we are married, it's no secret that today, it doesn't always turn out as "together forever". I've blogged before on my views about divorce; how I am not naïve to the fact that people grow apart, and that I'd rather be happy and single than married and miserable. This is not to say that I am not madly in love and wish to be with my husband until death do we part - but it does give reason, in my opinion, to why people tend to always put their children first.  Marriage is unfortunately no longer considered permanent, but children are. No matter what, you will always be that child's parent. No argument, or amount of hatred, betrayal, or differences can ever change that. It's no wonder people will put nearly all of their love and effort into these little human creations - we're stuck with them, to put it bluntly, and we might as well make the best of every situation that comes our way on this crooked path of parenthood. At the end of the shittiest days, knowing that your love and effort went solely into those kids can be quite the rewarding feeling.

It's also no wonder so many people get divorced.

Putting your children first means not meeting the needs of your spouse; needs that you agreed to fulfill when you got married. Needs that are crucial to thrive, feel happy, and be connected to one another. Other bloggers have been bold enough to admit that they love their husbands MORE than their kids - good for them. I personally cannot say I feel stronger about one over the other, but that they are simply different kinds of love which are both strong and powerful in their own ways. If I constantly put my children first because I fear putting too much effort into a marriage that could potentially end one day, I would be the cause for divorce. I would be the reason we failed, the reason we would never know what we could have had, and the reason my children will grow up to be self centered spoiled brats.

Making the girls wait while Mommy and Daddy share a kiss, or even just a conversation, teaches them patience. It shows them how much we care about each other and will in turn teach them how much they are capable of loving others. It shows them how important we are to one another, the effort we make for each other, and that we are not expected to stop what we are doing because they want something right that second.

I believe in building the strongest marriage we could have, and putting that positive energy and strong bond into our parenting. As far as a concrete answer for the question who should come first, I don't have one. I am at my best when my love is distributed where I feel it is needed the most. There are days where Lyla is extra sensitive and needs some Mommy time. There are times where I haven't seen my husband in days with our endless schedules, and we crave that time together. There are days where Hannah doesn't want to be put down and comes with me everywhere. I like to take these days as they come and enjoy the extra time spent with each of them. The guilt of the "uneven attention" gets let go of, because there will be more days with more time. As always, focusing on the present is what matters most, and presently, my husband and our daughters are my #1.

Sports Massage

Are you aware of all the benefits of Sports Massage?

This information comes from The Bancroft School of Massage's Regional Massage handbook, which specializes in specific regional massage, deep tissue, and sports related treatments. 

If you are an athlete training for an event, adding massage to your training may be extremely beneficial; both pre and post event. 

If you are suffering from a previous injury that has left you with limited range of motion, pain, or stiffness, regional massage can help you regain your mobility as well as relieve discomfort. 

With these treamtents, you work with the therapist by performing active range of motion movements against gentle resistance. You are in control of how much pressure is used based on your comfort level and tolerance. 

These are just a few of several treatment methods used within sports massage. 

Try it out for yourself! You won't be sorry :)

Thank You Social Media

Social media, for me, has evolved into something amazing: a place where I can go to find inspiration for anything I need. I have "liked" and "followed" so many wonderful people, places and things, that my newsfeed is buzzing with constant positivity and opportunity. 

Yoga & mindful pages remind me to stay present, true, and peaceful. Paleo chefs inspire new meals for the family and baking ideas for the kids. Parenting sites are constantly keeping my eyes open to better myself as a mother. Exercise and crossfit pages inspire new work outs and motivate me to keep me going. 

I rarely used to "browse my newsfeed". My social media time was spent uploading countless photos of my family and then logging off. But now I have to admit I thoroughly enjoy it - especially when it results in the next weeks worth of meals, a solid work out routine, resolving parenting conflicts, and constant reminders to live in the moment.

Whatever it is you need a push in life for, search, like, and be inspired! If we're all going to be wrapped up in social media life, it might as well better the people we are growing to be. 

Working Man, Stay At Home Mom

On the way home from bringing Lyla to school, Hannah snoozed away in the backseat while I listened to some junk morning radio. Along with several celebrity updates I couldn't care less about, came a topic that caught my attention: When your man works full time and you are the stay at home mom, does it dismiss all household help from his responsibilities? The specific family the talk show was referencing was one where the woman stayed at home with their children, and took on the usual dishes, laundry, shopping, childcare that comes along with the SAH title, and also grocery shops and cares for her husband's parents. When her husband returns from work, he expects dinner ready, and to do nothing but relax since he was the one who went to work all day.

Several people called in with a variety of opinions and responses. One woman was all worked up about how being a SAH mom is a job - and even more, a job that has no end time, unlike the husband's 9-5. Another woman was outraged, saying that women need to stop complaining about not getting enough help from their husbands once they return home from work, because if they were single parents, they'd be doing it all on their own, and therefore should be thankful they have someone paying the bills and coming home each night.

Why does it have to be so black and white? I am a SAH mom with a full time working husband, and I don't side with either of those callers' opinions. In our home, there are no rules regrading chores, cooking, or errands. What we do works because we respect each others hard work.

I do agree that staying home with children is a full time job with no "end time" - especially here, where our little Hannah still wakes several times a night. It's a full time job, but it's not always tough. I can gear our day around how I am feeling; if I didn't get much sleep, maybe I'll plan a movie day and spend the day in  pajamas, snacking on the couch with my girls - a luxury my husband does not have at his job. If he was kept up all night with a crying baby, too bad, he's still up when that alarm goes off and works until his shift is through. It would be selfish of me to expect him to walk through that door and take on the two kids and cook dinner just so I could kick my feet up. I'm sure I had a few small moments to do that throughout the day. When he gets home, I give him his time to unwind.

I consider the household stuff "my" job, but if I don't get to it, Eric has no problem helping me. It eventually gets done, no matter who does it or how many days it may sit there. No stress. With that said, I do expect his help with the girls. Regardless of how hard he worked that day, our family is a shared responsibility. And again, I think we work because of the respect we have for each other. He respects how hard I work at home with the girls, and I respect his work outside of the house. So instead of the useless "I worked harder, I'm more tired" argument, we just help each other out. We give each other down time, but also share responsibilities of the girls, cooking, and whatever else. Other than the fact that I stay home and he goes to work, we have no expectations of each other when it comes to "work". It's how we keep our marriage stress free. If dinner is hot and ready when he gets home, great, if not, it's never a problem. If he had a tough day at work and needs some space when he gets home, he deserves it. He has never complained when I want to take a nap or go for a run. We're married. We're in this together. It's not a competition.

Controlling Stress

One thing Hope Yoga Studio's instructors are always reminding us is that we are the ones in control of our minds. We dwell on the past and stress about the future, when what we really need to do is let it go. The past is over, and the future isn't here yet - and this brings us to the never ending effort to stay present. But what happens if your present moment is overwhelming or stressful?

One thing I have repetitively told myself lately is this: things are only stressful if you allow them to be. This one little sentence may not seem like much, but it has helped tremendously. When both kids are screaming and I feel my tolerance plummet and my blood pressure rise, instead of lashing out and yelling (or crying), I take a moment to myself, breathe, and say aloud: things are only stressful if I allow it to be. These 10 little words completely level me, and I can then think with a clear mind - "Lyla missed her nap today. Hannah is bored in her seat and needs to be held" - Okay. I move forward, and do what needs to be done. Maybe Lyla needs a few minutes in her room alone to calm down - and now, I can tell her to do so calmly instead of lashing out, frustrated.

I use this sentence to help me get through the day, being the best mother/wife/person I can be. Anytime something isn't going as preferred or planned, it helps me take it for what it is, and move on. My best days are days where I feel I was fully present with my girls and husband - and this one sentence helps me reach this goal nearly every day.

Our mind is in our control, and this means stress, frustration, and overwhelming feelings too. Who wants to feel that way, anyway?

Yoga

I splurged and ordered a $70 yoga mat last week. Normally, I have anxiety attacks when I buy ANYTHING for myself because I'm always convinced I don't need it. However, this time, it's not something I thought twice about. Partially because we used our rolled-coin collection to buy it, but mostly because I know how much yoga has helped me. 

The $70 mat may sound extreme, but when you've gone through 2 other ones and slip and slide all over the place when you're supposed to be grounded - it doesn't make for a very yoga-esque mindset. So, I got the highly recommended non-slip pro. There. Justified. 

Anyway. Yoga fucking rocks. No other way to say it. Not only does it allow me to get out of my own head, but it's transformed my body to be more flexible and strong. I sleep better (between feedings), I run better, but best of all - I calm down easier, which has been an essential tool during these rough toddler times. 

I'm not perfect. I lose my cool, I raise my voice. But what yoga has taught me is that it's not about when you have these moments, but how quickly you recover from them. When I'm feeling overwhelmed, I've learned to walk away and focus on my breathing to bring myself back down to neutral. From there, I feel better equipped to deal with the situation at hand. And when I do overreact, I am quick to catch myself. I always find myself apologizing to Lyla when I become frustrated, and then explain why mommy felt that way. I remind myself that things are only stressful and overwhelming if you allow them to be. We create our own anxiety. If I don't want to feel that way, it's a simple as not allowing myself to. But getting out of your own head is, once again, easier said than done - especially in those moments where both kids are crying and everything seems chaotic. 

But yoga has given me the power to control myself, and use my energy where it needs to be, and keep it from where it doesn't. If I dwell on how hard a situation is, or how overwhelmed I feel, then I'm destined to struggle. If I remind myself that this moment will pass, and that tomorrow is a new day, then my glass is half full. Optimistic is the only way to be. 

So come on, Mr. UPS man, and bring me my ridiculously expensive but life saving mat!

Self Challenge

Staying present has more to do with the mind than the body. Sure, I can physically be on the floor with Lyla doing a craft, but if my mind is thinking of the lunch I need to make or the things I need to get to, by no means am I present with my daughter. The main thing I've noticed in my journey in mindfulness is how much I watch the clock. According to the clock, my day is planned out for me - and mainly revolves around food. 

Wake up: breakfast. Playtime until snack. Crafts until lunch, then nap. Activities until dinner. And finally, a bath and stories or tv show before bed. Like clockwork - literally. I even found myself thinking things like "okay, just another hour before I can start making lunch" - how terrible that I am planning things with Lyla in order to "eat up time" between meals, rather than enjoying them with her in the moment. 

So, I proposed a challenge to myself. One day, when we have nothing to do, I'm not going to look at the clock. I'm not going to countdown the hours until Eric gets home and I can go for my run. I'm not going to plan things according to how long they will take or how close to lunchtime they will bring us. I will feed Lyla when she tells me she's hungry, not when the clock strikes 11. I'll sit and play with my girls and let time fly by, blissfully unaware of the time frame I'm in. 

It sounds so simple, but knowing how often I check the time, I know it will be difficult. But I also know it will be worth it, and allow me to be one step closer to a clear mind and being fully present in motherhood. 

Here goes nothing.