http://qz.com/273255/how-american-parenting-is-killing-the-american-marriage/
(Blog inspired by article shared above)
In societies expectations of how life should unfold (love, marriage, career, house, kids) it seems like a no-brainer that your spouse would come first in the love department; they captured your love before your children existed, and helped create those children out of pure love and passion for one another. There's no way you could love your child more than the one who helped bring them into this world, right? But then that baby is born, and an entirely new kind of love overwhelms you. This beautiful tiny being is half of you, and half of the person you love most in this world. No matter what happens in life, this will always be your child. The raw emotion and ultimate power you hold the moment you become a parent is like nothing else you've ever experienced - but is it greater than the love you have for your spouse?
My life has unfolded in an out-of-order fashion: first child, then love, then marriage, then second child, then career, and still to come: homeowners. In the beginning, my daughter came before everyone, because that true love and passion for anyone else was non existent. It saddened me to face the fact that she was not created out of love, and didn't share DNA with someone I wished to spend my life with. When it became just her and I, we were all each other had. When Eric came into the picture, he was warned that he would always be in second place. I didn't see how any other way would be fair - for her. What I didn't think about was his feelings, his needs, or our love.
But our relationship still grew, leading to marriage and the birth of our beautiful daughter. It wasn't until this moment where I came close to considering putting my husband before my children. For the first time, I experienced that amazing feeling of "wow, we made her", and just how incredible it felt to know she was half his; this man who I feel so strongly and passionately about. The day Hannah was born, at that moment, I had never loved my husband more.
Even though we are married, it's no secret that today, it doesn't always turn out as "together forever". I've blogged before on my views about divorce; how I am not naïve to the fact that people grow apart, and that I'd rather be happy and single than married and miserable. This is not to say that I am not madly in love and wish to be with my husband until death do we part - but it does give reason, in my opinion, to why people tend to always put their children first. Marriage is unfortunately no longer considered permanent, but children are. No matter what, you will always be that child's parent. No argument, or amount of hatred, betrayal, or differences can ever change that. It's no wonder people will put nearly all of their love and effort into these little human creations - we're stuck with them, to put it bluntly, and we might as well make the best of every situation that comes our way on this crooked path of parenthood. At the end of the shittiest days, knowing that your love and effort went solely into those kids can be quite the rewarding feeling.
It's also no wonder so many people get divorced.
Putting your children first means not meeting the needs of your spouse; needs that you agreed to fulfill when you got married. Needs that are crucial to thrive, feel happy, and be connected to one another. Other bloggers have been bold enough to admit that they love their husbands MORE than their kids - good for them. I personally cannot say I feel stronger about one over the other, but that they are simply different kinds of love which are both strong and powerful in their own ways. If I constantly put my children first because I fear putting too much effort into a marriage that could potentially end one day, I would be the cause for divorce. I would be the reason we failed, the reason we would never know what we could have had, and the reason my children will grow up to be self centered spoiled brats.
Making the girls wait while Mommy and Daddy share a kiss, or even just a conversation, teaches them patience. It shows them how much we care about each other and will in turn teach them how much they are capable of loving others. It shows them how important we are to one another, the effort we make for each other, and that we are not expected to stop what we are doing because they want something right that second.
I believe in building the strongest marriage we could have, and putting that positive energy and strong bond into our parenting. As far as a concrete answer for the question who should come first, I don't have one. I am at my best when my love is distributed where I feel it is needed the most. There are days where Lyla is extra sensitive and needs some Mommy time. There are times where I haven't seen my husband in days with our endless schedules, and we crave that time together. There are days where Hannah doesn't want to be put down and comes with me everywhere. I like to take these days as they come and enjoy the extra time spent with each of them. The guilt of the "uneven attention" gets let go of, because there will be more days with more time. As always, focusing on the present is what matters most, and presently, my husband and our daughters are my #1.
